Monday, January 09, 2006

"You Can Hardly See Them Nipples; And These Guys Are Really Lookin'"

In response to the massive media speculation regarding my whereabouts for the last week, I was not undercover in Canada finalizing plans for a covert CIA war. Nor was I doing time for jaywalking in DC, as I was assured that everyone does it up there. I was in Las Vegas at this year's CES Convention.

For those who don't know, the CES Convention is the Consumer Electronics Showcase where all the electronics manufacturers around the world (Sony, Panasonic, etc) showcase their latest and greatest. For "gadget junkies" who must own the newest of everything – this is heaven on Earth. If you think the value meals at Wendy's are overpriced and purposely let your 1998 Nokia phone's battery die so people (work) will leave you alone, you will think these people need lives. These people including 130,000 nerds in attendance, so cool guys like me were few and far between.

Save one small detail – last week was also host to the Porn Association. That's right – that "porn". And here's something about "the industry" that you didn't know – the women dress trashy. Real trashy. Fish net? Too constricting. Platform high heels? You ain't seen anything until you double your actual height with your shoes. Essentially, they are one "lost plumber" or "overheated pool man" away from looking like they are in the middle of a movie.

Also, the genre's travel together in packs. Like she-wolves looking for prey and self-preservation, you would pass groups of " Catholic School girls" followed by "Red Latex Fetish," "Wheelchair," and finally the "Plumpers."

Now "Plumpers," as you can guess, is the industry lingo for the fuller figured ladies. And apparently the "plumper" genre doesn't pay as well as the others so instead of them being at the Wynn or the Bellagio, they were staying at the same hotel as me. The Frontier. Luckily, the pool was closed.

But the bar was not. So every night, these ladies got their drink on and like "Super-Size Me" harpies they would call passing casino goers to the bar with lude talk involving "coming to mama" and promises of seeing "something you have never seen in your life." I observed horrified from the far end of a craps table.

For several days, I tried to hide from their calls but, alas, the bathroom for the casino nearest the craps tables was right next to the bar. On the last night, I realized that walking to the other side of the casino to avoid them was ridiculous and I bravely marched passed – steeling myself to assure them I was happily married and only wanted to be left alone.

Like Moe Szyslak at the dating auction, I heard nothin'. I would have heard crickets if it wasn't for the jingle of the slot machines and some stupid Van Hagar song.

Stupid fat chicks.

11 comments:

Otto Man said...

Ooooh, that's gotta hoit.

Thrillhous said...

That's rough, pal. You should've tried giving them a copy of your album, "Can I Borrow a Feeling."

Otto Man said...

There was a story on this in the NYT today. A lot of snark, but no mention of Der Plumpenwhoren.

ORF said...

I saw this Real Sex episode one time (I think it was number 86,342) on HBO about "fetish" porn and a positively horrific image that burned my (and my roommate's) retinas was this one clip about "Fat Girl" porn in which this woman rolled around on the kitchen floor covered in flour and cookie dough screaming "Take me, COOKIE MAN!" (shudder!) while some dude tried to have his "way" with one of her rolls of fat. I'm not trying to hate, but... Seriously. Gross.

Y'all have a good Tuesday, y'hear!

Tokyo Joe said...

Orf, I think I can 1-up you on gross TV. I was watching a Japanese TV show about people who go to extremes (tallest guy, shortest guy, biggest boobs, etc) and they did a segment on biggext people. The dude was over 500 kg (that's over 1000 lbs) but that wasn't the worse. The worse was the female. She was apparently a victem of a feeder fetish (the guys who feed their women a ton just so they can get big). she ended up over 300 kg (over 650 lbs) and then this guy shot all sorts of naked video of her. Since it was foregn TV they showed it all. Truly horrible stuff. My eyes still burn.

S.W. Anderson said...

There's no accounting for taste, S'Dave, but I wouldn't take it personally. From what I've been told, these "ladies" are attracted not by a well-tightened face and a buff body (they get plenty of those at work), but rather by the impression a guy has vast amounts of disposable income and a willingness let others share in the disposing of it.

I envy your time at CES. Once was a time when I really wanted to get to a COMDEX, but never did. I'm not sure they even hold those any more. Oh well.

Otto Man said...

these "ladies" are attracted not by a well-tightened face and a buff body (they get plenty of those at work), but rather by the impression a guy has vast amounts of disposable income and a willingness let others share in the disposing of it.

That may explain it. I've been at casinos with SD several times, and I'm betting he was wearing his standard gambling outfit -- old baseball hat, dress shirt tucked into shorts, loafers with no socks. It sort of screams "I have a mortgage and three kids" and not "let's do some blow off a hooker's ass."

alex supertramp said...

yeah otto - but remember, that time that StudioD WAS doing coke on that fat ugly hooker's ass, and by accident, I think, he stuck his nose up her asshole and started snorting like there was no tommorrow, remember .. yeah, that was cool .. and remember that time the hooker did the same thing to him .. oh man, classic stuff.. yeah that was great... and remember...

alex supertramp said...

wait -- didn't the hooker keep saying something about cookies???

Studiodave said...

Otto, it is disturbing how well you know my fashion sense - or lack there of...

Otto Man said...

I've always been struck by your bold fashion sense. Too bad the plumpers weren't fans.