Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Justice Sunday

January is all about football gab. Who will win the Super Bowl? Will there be any good commercials this year? How drunk will I be by half time?

And then there's the predictions. Most people base it either on who they like or who they think has the best football team, as if either of these things matter. The real question is, who does God want to win? The winner always thanks him afterwards, so obviously God is calling the shots.

It's pretty hard to tell who God wants to win; I can't even tell if he meant for me to enjoy the wardrobe malfunction so much. Let's go by something obvious: the coachs' religion. From what I can tell from their bios, 11 coaches are Christian and one is Jewish. The Jewish one, Marty Schottenheimer, has been dubbed "the coach who can't win in the playoffs," which tells you all you need to know about God's views of Jewish football coaches. Of the Christians, we've got Catholics (Parcells, Mangini, Edwards, Belichick, and I think Coughlin), evangelicals (Holmgren, Dungy), Mormons (Billick, Reid), and Indeterminate (Payton, Smith).

Last year the two evangelicals lost in the playoffs to Bill Cowher, who is essentially godless (i.e., Protestant). In fact, 2006 was a pretty lousy year for evangelicals across the board, what with the elections taking a decidedly moderate turn and those Colorado preachers gaying it up with their meth buddies. I'm thinking God will throw the evangelicals a bone.

So, here's my call: the Colts beat the Seahawks for Super Bowl XXXetc.
You got a better system? Let's hear it.

14 comments:

Otto Man said...

Billick's a Mormon? Where does all that rage come from?

Thrillhous said...

You try hearing "The Tabernacle Choir is the best band eva" every day of your life. You'll have plenty of rage.

Slightly off topic, but how is it that in a world where even Don Rumsfeld gets fired, Mike Millen holds onto his job with the Lions? Don't make no sense.

Otto Man said...

I just saw that over at KSK. Unbelievable.

Millen must have photos of Bill Ford sodomizing a goat in the backseat of a Toyota.

Smitty said...

Don't even get me started on Millen.

Too late.

Okay, the reason that Millen has been able to stay with the Liedowns is the same reason that Jim Jones was able to talk that whole village in Guyana into drinking poisoned kool-aid.

InanimateCarbonRod said...

I don't mean to question God, but I've always found it strange that he can't find time to intervene in genocide, but he decides who wins high school football games.

Mysterious ways and all, I guess.

sideshow bob said...

Pats v. Eagles in a rematch of the bowl a couple a years ago. Jeff Garcia wins MVP. Reporters asks, "You've won the Super Bowl, now what are you going to do?"

"I'm gonna tell America to kiss my hairy, white ass!!!"

Mike said...

Marty's one of my peeps?

Ugh. Can we throw him back? Between Marty, & Marv Levy not a lot of big game mojo from the coachiks. Yikes.

Thrillhous said...

Isn't there a receiver who's expected to go in the top 10 draft picks? You know Millen's wanting to get him. He thinks receivers are like cow bell.

Ouch, Mike, didn't know about Marv Levy. Talk about a long-suffering people.

Mike said...

As far as I can gather, T-hous, Marty is not a member of the tribe.

And good news that is; we don't want him.

Marv Levy, on the other hand, was certainly snipped on his eighth day of life. We choose blame Norwood (not for snipping; just for wide right).

Otto Man said...

As a lifelong Chiefs fan, I was surprised to hear about Schottenheimer's tribal nature. I'm going to need some real proof here, TH.

With the first pick in the draft, Millen will grab the top wideout on the board, even if he's not projected to go until the 3rd round.

Mike said...

Matt Millen's job security is one of the most shocking developments of the 21st century.

S.W. Anderson said...

"The real question is, who does God want to win? The winner always thanks him afterwards, so obviously God is calling the shots."

Sheesh! And here, I thought God was only concerned about half time entertainers keeping provocative areas of their anatomy covered at all times.

Oh, and let's not forget God's other priority: passing juicy tidbits to the Rev. Pat Robertson.

Thrillhous said...

Hmm. Well, wikipedia says he was born in a Jewish suburb of Pittsburgh. Isn't it Jewish law that if you're born in a Jewish suburb then you're Jewish for life?

Mike said...

Isn't it Jewish law that if you're born in a Jewish suburb then you're Jewish for life?

Ehhhh, Leviticus is filled with all sorts of laws nobody follows anymore. We have to move into the 21st Century. Marty's out.