The Blurst of Times

I was just looking through my spam filter to see if it had snagged any real email. In doing so, I came across a spam email that's so poorly written it seems to have been written by a hundred monkeys working at a hundred typewriters:

Morning Loranzio,

Just heard ur partner's been complaining about u in the bed. That's why
there's, [spam website]. Lonnie and me both trying them and have
nothing but good things for them.

as also develops the theme of revenge through the dialogue between each of
the characters. Through conflict of man versus man, D. teens wait for
marriage like the Bible insists or should teens defy the rules outlined by
the Bible

thank
BillieJo

Wow. Thanks, BillieJo! Where to begin?

First of all, not only is my name not Loranzio, but I'm doubting that anyone's name is Loranzio. (Except for whoever created this site.)

Second, Malibu Stacy has not filed any complaints in the suggestion box above our marital bed, so I think they sent this to me by mistake. (And given the number of "U" and "ur" misspellings, I think it was sent by the Sex Therapist Formerly Known as Prince.)

Third, "Lonnie and me both trying them and have nothing but good things for them"? I guess part of me should be swayed by this Endorsement from Algernon, but for some reason I'm just not convinced. Maybe BillieJo could've grunted some medical statistics at me, or at the very least, given me her credentials. If Prof. Dr. Mike S. Adams Ph.D. can have them, then anyone can!

Finally, I don't know about you, but I didn't see the plot twist in the second paragraph coming at all. On one side you have the revenge sex and the hot man-versus-man action, and on the other, a mysterious group of "D. teens" -- apparently the children of former Minutemen frontman D. Boon -- who are wrestling with the biblical injunction against premarital sex. I haven't seen a twist ending like this since Hitchcock. (And "Hitchcock," according to BillieJo, is another erectile dysfunction that she can help solve.)

All in all, it's just outstanding stuff. And it makes me want to listen to Patton Oswalt's hilarious routine about semi-literate porn spam for the brazillionth time. ("The Poetry of Pornography" is available on iTunes, if you're curious. Or bi-curious.)