Friday, March 31, 2006

Embedded Reporter - Spam Truth or Lies

Spam. Who likes it? I know I don't. But about 7 months ago, I was looking through my spam folder wondering if some good mail was caught there. I was amazed by the amount of natural enhancement ads there were.

Now, "enhancement" has been an issue with men since we evolved from amebas. There is something core about size in our animal sexuality. Before spoken language, the size of the "ambassador" was a critical determination for who was king of the pack, the leader. The alpha male, if you will.

So, how are we to choose from products? What about surgery?

Well, you ask people how they got a big penis - you will get a million different answers. But I wanted the truth. I signed up.

Over the last seven months, I have taken pills 3 times a day, applied crèmes every night, and applied hormone patches. Throughout all this, I documented results, contacted manufactures to expose hoaxes, but remained focused to determine for my readers – who can you trust with enhancement spam offers.

Pills – Generally, pills contain some assortment of Ginseng, Fo-Ti, Gotu Kola, Saw Palmetto, Damiana, Menthol, and Yohimbe. They are advertised to increase stamina, promote blood flow, and add muscle mass (particularly below the equator). In general, a good rule of thumb with medicines is double the dose for double the effect. Apparently, tripling the dose of these pills (9 before each meal) has several adverse effects not documented by the quacks that offer these pills.

It turns out - side effects included dry mouth, abdominal cramps, uncontrollable and Hulk-like rage, and constipation. Mind you, it is possible that the month long constipation led directly to the uncontrollable rage – but manufactures were cautious to speculate without legal counsel present.

Patches – The patch method is more of a hormone treatment. One website offered a year's worth of patches but after 3 months, I wasn't seeing the results. So, I did what they teach you to do in business school. I thought "outside" the box. It turns out my wife's birth control method comes in a patch. And luckily, while visiting my mother in law, she had some additional Nicoderms as well and some, I don't know, but I think it was some menopause patches. Oh, and I took some orange looking pills cause they looked like they could help the constipation with their sheer size.

Surgery – I encountered a lot of "spin" when it came to surgery. My dentist seemed to think that spam drug treatments were placebos at best, health risks at worst. After repeat visits to the dentist to determine costs of procedures and options for length and girth, I became increasingly concerned that his insistence on using Novocain alone might not numb the pain enough. And that is one place you don't want pain.

Results? Well, since I was taking everything at one, I don't know what did the trick, but something wonderful did happen. They speak for themselves. After 7 months, I'm a different man. Overall, I'm more confident in meetings because I'm thinking, "Lady, if you only knew what I was packing, you'd agree with this income statement." I'm more comfortable in telling my wife what to do because she now serves me and the Ambassador.

Don't believe me? Here is me (do not click if under 18) before enhancement and after. Now who is da man!


Otto Man said...

... unclean ....

Studiodave said...

Happy April Fools

Otto Man said...

Still ... unclean ....

Thrillhous said...

If only Copernicus had so assiduously applied the scientific method. . .

well played, my friend.

Anonymous said...

Funny and fun, S.D.

What's sad is that the sheer volume of spam and references to erection size in the media, in movies, etc., plus the jokes, all go together to make some insecure, neurotic guys really do some dangerous things.

Even short of dangerous measures, you have to believe somebody's making big money out of all these quack get-big-quick schemes, or else they wouldn't keep pushing the stuff.

I don't think anything can bring an end to this nonsense. The truth is and probably always will be that a whole bunch of males are uncomfortable about their genital size, no matter how normal it may be.

Meanwhile, a whole bunch of females are always sure their breasts are too small and their butt's too big.

It seems to be human nature.